When hope takes over and turns into acceptance

Post dating back to: 26th of December 2010

So after continuous turnovers which completely destroyed my inner self, of course dramatically only  for a short period of time, I must say it does often feel like centuries,  I have manage to stand up once again and reflect back on it.

I have managed to fall repetitively even after realising the causes that will end up dragging me down there in first place, standing up once again made me realise how dramatic us humans can be and also how hard it does seem to manage to be able to see clearly once again.

 I believe, it did make me stronger, but at the same time I still feel an urging tendency of allowing myself to decline at the closest opportunity that might come my way . Many choices are put in front of us and it only takes a matter of time for a path to be chosen.

I must say,I have always preferred the harder path, and the only reason for that has been because the challenge that came with it made me realise even better the way of appreciating the things we have always got in our lives, not that we do not appreciate them otherwise but because we often forget to look out for them because we are surrounded by them. A harder path in my view is like a Pandora box. The box that will hold in it a world unknown that will never be straight forward enough for you to ever get bored by it. Fascinating in its own way, the discovery of every bit of it will be as challenging as not knowing yourself and every so often surprising yourself with little bits that your never thought existed in yourself in first place.

  

The past three years changed many things. They turned me into someone who can only live by chaining themselves to someone else in order to accommodate to the cruel ways of living. Trust has become a big issue. Not talking here about the trust in others, but the trust in myself which I seem to have completely lost.

Love comes in different ways but not always stays as well. Love can burn sometimes so deep, that even if you realize that you feel like the hole it's creating will take ages to heal you think of it at the time as being worth to endure.

You might stand and wonder, but you will soon realise, that life goes by and the way you want to shape it, is the only way you gonna get it. So I reckon let yourself fooled for at least a moment and you will soon realise that those moments are worth encountering.  

When your own thoughts surrender and blind the one good thing about you

So it seems that lately I need to wait for everything to fall apart in order to start posting something on the wider web.

At list it seemed like my own world was falling apart for more than 48 hours. But let me tell you something. I always manage to get the wrong end of the stick.

I am such a loser. In more than 48 hours I managed to destroy my own self by imagining all kind of stupid things which should have not been there in first place. Maybe the lack of communication directs us straight to our black thoughts which cannot wait to over take.

So after self pity, complaining, tears and laughs, craziness and a really large amounts of alcohol I decided today to take a step and address those issues more directly hoping that I will find an answer. Nothing worked so I thought why not. ( petrified in the process I must say)

I cannot say that I did but I think I found peace. Peace in myself not sure in the person I shared all my utter nonsense too. I hope that they will understand and at list think for a second that I am a 'Meshuge' really best description ever but I think I need to stop for more than a second, rest and rephrase my own thoughts if I really want to continue this long journey in the crazy world out there which at any step cannot wait to deviate us from our route.

So best therapy so far : start writing all kind of crap especially feelings you are not familiar with then stare at them for a long time recognize yourself in them and try to persevere in making ends meet. In the same time realize all the mistakes you have done, appreciate the people around you, listen to them not just hear them and enjoy.

Bad days are every day it all depends if we want to make them better or not.

So see the bright side of things and get a grip because life it is worth living , at list mine so shall I say. Let's just hope that tomorrow I will be my own self again :)

Love and maybe something not yet defined

“….and I wanna play hide and seek and give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps while you take a bath… and massage your neck and kiss your face, and hold your hand, and go for a walk, talk about the day, laugh at your…your paranoia. And give you tapes you don’t listen to, watch great films, watch terrible films, and tell you about the TV program I saw a night before, and not laugh at your jokes.
Want you in the morning, but let you sleep in for a while. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your neck........ Sit on the steps smoking till your neighbors come home, and sit on the steps smoking till you come home… and worry when you’re late, and be amazed when you’re early, go to a party and dance…be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me. Look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever. Hearing your voice in my ear, feel your skin on my skin. And get scared when you’re angry, and hug you when you’re anxious, and hold you when you’re hurt. And want you when I smell you, and offend you when I touch you, and whimper when I’m with you, and whimper when I’m not, smother you in the night, and get cold when you take the blanket, and hot when you don’t. And melt when you smile, dissolve when you laugh…
But not understand how you think I’m rejecting you, when I’m not rejecting you. And wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you! And wonder who you are, but accept you anyway. And buy you presents you don’t want…and take them away again. I wander the city thinking it’s empty without you, but I want what you want, and I think I’m loosing myself But… but, but …but tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me. Because…. you don’t deserve any less.
Answer your questions when I’d rather not, and tell you the truth when I really don’t want to. And try to be honest because I know you prefer it. And think it’s all over but… hang on just for 10 more minutes before you throw me out of your life, forget who I am and let me try to get closer to you. And somehow… somehow… Somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all encompassing, heart-enriching, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you!”
… and after all, we might think the same…

Memory

We are all lost in memory. It is not a place that has been mapped, fixed by coordinates of longitude and latitude, whereby we can retrace a step and come to the same place again. Each time is different.